I was moving into my first apartment by myself. The apartment that had crossed my path many times before and after a lot of confusion, obstacles and patience that apartment not only became more special but also mine. I was there, moving my things in … Trying to figure it out how to place everything and make the best of the small space.

That day, it hit me in the face like nothing ever did before. How things has changed in ways that I could never go back to what it was before. And I as so happy. SO HAPPY! Empower. Independent. And excited for the future ahead of me. For the problems of paying my own bills, for the fantastic moments I could have only with my self or with whoever I wanted to invite in. That was my place, my palace.

Today, I realized that that life had such a short time. I lived in that apartment for less than an year.

Everything changed in ways I could also never let go back to what is was before. And I didn’t realized what I was leaving behind, that place that once has been the reason of my smiles, all my problems, all my tears and happiness didn’t measure at all in importance with what it was in front o me. My heart and all the love I start feeling.

Is so weird that only today, 4 years later I see that we have so many lives inside our big whole life. Maybe sometimes, they take years, maybe months, sometimes days, or even minutes …. But they are little lives that we live with a beginning, a middle and a end. With a story that will be part of us forever. A memory that we will bring in a conversation once in while, under nostalgia and alcohol.

People say that cats have 7 (or 9, depending where you are from) lives. But we don’t realize that we, humans, have infinitive possibilities of having as many lives as we want. Every change we make, every step we take in another direction is a new beginning. A new little life. And I love to realize this and then look back and see how many persons I’ve been under the same skin. And how all those persons are still part of who I am, who I became day by day. I never appreciated so much all the broken hearts, sadness the bad moments as I appreciate the good moments as right now. They were all part of the creation of the person I am today. The person I am proud to present to others. The person That I can guarantee it can be trusted. A friend. A wife. A daughter, a sister , a niece …. I am all of those in the best way I can possibly be, right now.

I also know my life right now will not be my last one. I know I still have so many ahead in time. Waiting to be lived at the fullest as I lived many lives before.  And for that reason, I will never underestimate this phrase ever again, or any phrase for that matter. Today is only the beginning of the end of this new life that I just started living ….

until the next one ….

Everyday I will take one book with me. I will write on this book a little short message that I feel like writing at the time; maybe a nice sentence, maybe a dedication to someone that will find it. Or even maybe just something nice that I would like to hear myself on that day.

On my way to work or in any other way to other places I will leave one book at day at the tram, or at the bus, or on a bench in the street, next to the lake…. whatever I pass trough and feel like is a good spot.

I might even put a post-it on the front page asking it to open on page 1, or something like that; where my dedication will be written. I will also instruct the person to maybe do the same after reading, or if they decide that they will not read the book, just to leave on the same spot for someone to find it.

I hope this way of getting rid of books became something that some other people can do too… and become a nice playful and also insightful interaction with people you might never meet.

Tomorrow I will start!

I still feel like a teenager many times, not to mention like a kid needing protection many others. I am not ready yet to have kids and I still cry like a baby when I am very sick.

But I sure know what I want and the certainty of things grows everyday. I have a profession and during the last 10 years I manage to gather a lot of experience and build a network with hard work and perseverance. Which fell all apart 3 years ago, when I moved to a foreign country in a complete different culture, language and continent, across the ocean; my 27 years of life went somehow useless and lacking in experience. I had to “un-learn” my pass to be engaged to my present. I cross many limits and felt without home, love, personality; not knowing who I was anymore.

Today, I am physically 30 years old, but in my life, I think I am actually about to be 3 years old. When in 28th of February 2008, I die in Rio de Janeiro and re-born in Switzerland.

I re-born knowing how to walk, feed and wash my self. I had all my teeth and long hair. I knew how to speak, but another language which was obsolete in my new home. So with all that in my check list of learned things, I could focus in learning the other stuff, which the vicious of my previous life made everything just more complicated.

I came from a place where you have a daily relationship with violence. The laws are unknown and because of that you are rule breaker by nature. I was independent. Had my own apartment, living alone under my own rules, I was free. I was open and had my sense humour which was normal and interesting. I had to fight to talk in a table with people. I was funny and my boobs were out of control, but it was all normal. I had friends, and every time I was sick, I went to sleep in my mum’s couch. I had reached many goals and my work made me a very happy person, I was realised. I was happy. I was in my place.

When I arrived in Switzerland, I was afraid of the nothingness of violence, I knew I was secure, but in my mind the vision of a dark and empty street screamed “DANGER” in my mind, bringing the adrenaline rush trough my body, fear. I broke all the common rules in this society. I crossed the street in the green light, I threw cans in the garbage on a Sunday. I didn’t recycle the paper and made a lot of noise after 10pm. From funny, I became rude and aggressive. My jokes and sense of humour were not understood and my boobs became a social calamity. I had to learn how to dress not only in winter, which trust me, it is very challenging for someone who lived in a tropical country her whole life, but also how to hide myself. Learn that to be sexy doesn’t mean show all you got. I had to learn how let people speak since here people don’t fight to talk, they just be quiet with politeness. And after 3 years, I still talk too much. I had to learn how to be alone and take care of myself when I get sick. I had no friends what so ever. I was alone. I had a boyfriend, about to become my husband, which I thought it would be the easiest part, the only happy pleasure I had, but in reality, became the most difficult of all the problems I had. I had nothing else but a few clothes that I brought with me. I had no job or even perspective or hope of having one. I was sad, I was depressed. And to make everything worse, psychologically, I cut the roots and contact with all the people I love in Brazil, so I could grow new ones here. I did this without noticing and today I am finally suffering the distance and the change. I was completely alone.

Now I am a 3-year-old grown up. I have a job which doesn’t make me happy, but gives me the independency that I not just wanted but needed. I got a few and very good friends. I have more than just a few clothes, and I know how to dress for winter. I adapted myself and learn the nuances of my new life. I respect the law. I am organized. I am learning the new language and I can search for what I want. I walk in dark streets alone at night and I trust people. I adapted my jokes and I learn how be internationally funny. I understood cultural differences and also learn that some things will just never change or adapt. Some roots are too deep to be cut and I will always be only a Brazilian living in Switzerland. I am happy and I finally feel like I live in my own home again.

I didn’t think I was eligible to be loved. I didn’t think that a man could look at me and think that I was pretty or feel love for me. Until I met my husband; the man who made me believe it that I was worth it.

Until the day I change my whole life to be with him. On that day everything he made me believe was taken away from me, just like that. I wasn’t worth it or pretty. I was someone who always did everything wrong; someone who was neither desirable nor intelligent. I wasn’t worth it and I don’t think I will never be. And 3 years later I am tired and breathless. I am sad and so disappointed that I don’t think I will ever believe something good is possible out of love. Never! Not for me! Some people just haven’t born with it. I don’t have this on me; on my bones, destiny, life…

But I know I am great in other areas of life. I am a good friend and a good professional. I am good in helping people when they feel sad. I am good in having fun. I am good in being happy alone. I am good in starting all over again; I am good in ending never ending stories and starting from scratch.

What hurt me must is that he will never know why I left, not even if I tell him a thousand times. He will not see the mistakes he made or try to be a better person in the future. And all I have is this same story presented this time in a different way; I wasn’t cheated with other people, this time I was cheated with feelings. He made me believe he would do all he could to make me happy. He was going to be the answer to all those questions I had. But instead he became this unknown character which managed to kill all my love, all my passion, all my whiling to make it right, to make it work. I am giving up; one simply can’t change a two situation alone. And I am starting to believe that is no reason for this all but to learn that is just not for me. Not in this life.

And now, I just can’t forgive. I just can’t forget.

A cada minuto que passa
Sinto voce mais longe
Seus pensamentos em outro lugar
Suas maos em outra pessoa

A cada minuto que passa
Torna-se mais real
a perda inevitavel
de sua presenca ao meu lado

A cada minuto que passa
tenho cada vez mais certeza
De que nao tenho mais voce

Te perdi, mesmo sem nunca te ter…
Te perdi mesmo sem nunca…
Mas eu te perdi, sem mesmo nunca…
Te ter…

…

And so I didn’t start anything. I stayed where I was, letting life run its course. I start going out everyday for having some fun, I made friends which every weekend use to go to this beach place, staying in hotels and party with the locals. I have no idea how, but I was there every weekend too. I have no idea how I had money on that time. Because I know my parents wasn’t the most proud parents that were giving me everything. But I managed! Maybe it was them, I just don’t remember!

Anyway, after this long run in this life with this group of girls, I met this other guy which changed me a lot. I stop going out with the girls and focus on him. I was so in love and him and his friends were so great. And the funny thing is that I don’t have contact with the girls anymore, but all his friends and him are my great friends until today. I started going out for different places, and became so much more in contact with me and my artistic side. They were all artists and creative people and I felt like it was meant to be. Me and my boyfriend didn’t last long, and from one day to the other we were just friends and that worked out very well. We were all friends; very good friends.

I’ve written so much poetry at that time. And I wrote a song too. And I also try marijuana for the first time. And it was all so liberating and creative and fun! We travel together and live life at its fullest. I loved them so much. And I thank them too for all the new discoveries in myself  as person, woman, friend, designer…

So, the time passed and even when we started following different paths we still maintained the love for each other, as we still do. Meanwhile I’ve started and stopped school a few times. Never managing to be in class. It was just so difficult. I didn’t have the focus anymore. I started dating this guy, which became my boyfriend; he was my brother’s friend. I started date him, because I thought I was secure with him. He was a nerd type and a family guy with an innocence thing about him. I felt like I could trust him and let things happen, finally, after my first boyfriend Alessandro; I never let myself felt for no one. So this time I finally did.

It started already wrong, but I didn’t know that until way later. He apparently was dating another girl when we first stayed together. I didn’t pay much attention of what was going on, people tried to tell me, but I just didn’t care.

For the first 8 months, as much as we lived as boyfriend and girlfriend, he didn’t want to assume a relationship. And I also didn’t felt alarm with that. I was having fun and was being happy. I didn’t need a name for my relation with him. I had all I wanted and that was enough. What I didn’t realised was the reason why he never wanted to commit. Until after 8 months we became official; and this lasted for 3 years. With many nights crying at home feeling a kind of pain which no words can explain. Many lies and discoveries, many disappearances and manipulations; I was a fool for a long, long time. We use to go out with friends for dancing and he use to kiss other girls while telling me he was going to the bathroom. One time, a friend of mine came to tell me what she saw and I just couldn’t face it. And I just didn’t have the strength in me to get out of the situation. It was like being addicted to drugs. He was a very strong powerful drug which I couldn’t live without. At that point I have lost myself, my dignity and self-love. My life felt out of control and all I have, was the lies which I believe it for keeping some peace in a strange sick way. Until one day, when we were looking for an apartment to live together. I like to think that I am very protected by my angel because if that didn’t happen I would be more trap than I was and leaving would be way harder.

It was when I finally found out the last of the cheating. He was dating this other girl from his work. Proper dating. It was when I hit my limit. He cried and try to get me back. I was down, broken and feeling like someone took my floor away. Nothing made sense anymore. I didn’t know who I was anymore. So that was when I found in my friends all I need to bounce back. And I did. And new 3 year cycle had just started.

University and all the friends I’ve made at that time, and all the others that stick with me, brought me back to life. I thank each one them, most of the time in silence, everyday!

Between one thing and another I also read books. Therefore I am a busy woman, not a workaholic. And as much as I can be organized and responsible there are two lessons which I learn that make miracles happen:

First: Learn how to say NO!

Second: Guilt Free! Don’t feel any guilt for saying NO.

When you were born, God didn’t show up at your mother’s hospital room and said that from that moment on, you would be the perfect example for all the others.

Your mom and dad only wanted you to drink your milk and hope you didn’t cry too much over the night.

You are no mother Teresa!

You are a woman, only one more between all the others.

And if you don’t learn how to delegate, prioritize; understand that no one expects that everything you do has to be perfect; and also how to have fun… you can start saying bye-bye to an interesting life. Because interesting life is not about having a full agenda, is not about being politic correct all the time, is not about to accept any project for money or be there for everyone all the time, or even to think you are indispensable. You have to have enough time.

Enough time for doing absolutely nothing.

Time for doing everything you want. Time for dancing alone in the living room. Time to go to the music store. To the beauty store. Time to disappear a few days with your love. Time for a massage. Time to watch a movie, Time to talk with all the other friends which are not always in your daily life. Time to decorate your room as you want. Time to meet new people. Time to travel, time to go back to school, time to get pregnant. Time to write a book even knowing it will never be edited.

Time mainly for discover that you can be perfectly organized and professional without forgetting about your self and how to have fun with your life.

Because our existence is not being counted by a clock or by the quantities of emails you’ve got.

Life is all about having time at your favour, never against you!

The modern woman is lately very old. We believe that if we are not a wonder woman at home and a power business woman at work, we are not good enough. We are trying to prove something we don’t even know to people we have no idea whom.

We have to start to respect every little bit of ourselves and always to give us privilege in our choices.

And in the end, girls, just want to have fun, right? So let it be…

Today I want the world. I want the whole world. I want no delicacy, I want no innocence. Today I want to be the bad girl. Meet a bad guy. Break all the rules. Today I want to drink. I want to dance. I want to kiss a lot. I will let it roll. Today I do not worry. I will sleep very late. I will call him. Today I’m reckless, inconsequent. Today I am a delinquent … Today I am one, I’m better and much worse. Today I do not want any rhymes, poetry or happy stories. Today I want to smile. I want to lie. I want to follow. Today I want to pretend. I want to change. I want to beat. I want to trade. I want to turn. I want to hear. I want to sing. I want to eat. I want to shine. I want to … I want so much, and yet, in fact, today with that, under this and above all, all I want is to forget you.

I loved and I was loved. I flirted with people and people flirted with me. I forgave and I was forgiven. I did what I wanted. I said “no” to what I should. I suffered but I was also always very happy. I lost, but I recovered, I won, I added. I was bitten by a dog. I met a new country.

Were so many tinny events and so many long stories; so many images that I can not translate in words to explain what it was like. It would be like taking the value of my happiness while exposing it with the wrong choice of text. I prefer to say “I am very happy”. It was delightful to be just “one” more living in a world where nothing is really known. Finding that things happen the way they were made to happen. Everything falls into its place. The whole purpose of things is justified with time and we only realize this when looking backwards.

I get to know parts of me that I didn’t know. I discover different strengths and desires more accurate. I am more demanding; maybe because I learn what I deserve beyond to what is given to me. I discovered that what I want is so easy to achieve as not to. The hard part is taking the right direction.

I drank too much. I toasted with very dear friends. I smiled a lot, laughed a lot and delightfully exaggerated. I started relationships that ended up with happy people.

I talked a lot. I listened a lot. I experienced. I paid many bills and bought a lot of new stuff.

I had my moments.

And I do not want to lose from inside me.